Alexandra Sheppard: “You’re like a Rorschach test for everyone else’s projections”
The author on quantifying the unquantifiable, erasing mixes and race being the least interesting thing about her
Hi, welcome back to Mixed Messages! This week I’m speaking to author Alexandra Sheppard, who is of white British and Jamaican heritage. Alexandra has explored mixedness in her work, including Oh My Gods, and her new book Friendship Never Ends is out on Thursday. I loved speaking to Alexandra about how Black writers influenced her, and loved how she challenged the expectations of how mixed people feel. Read her story below.
Can you tell me about your family background?
The short version is that my dad is white and my mum is Black – she’s Jamaican. There's also some Chinese heritage there because lots of Jamaicans are mixed with Chinese. My dad is a mix of English, Irish and Jewish, but he’d identify as white British.
Have the terms you’ve used to identify yourself over time changed?
I don’t think people quite grasp how much the acceptable terms for who I am have changed over the course of my lifetime, and how that can put you in a bit of a tailspin if you're not secure in your identity. You’re constantly like a Rorschach test for everyone else’s projections.
When I was a child, ‘mixed-race’ was the default, but my mum and my dad were keen for us to identify as purely Black and Afro Caribbean. They didn’t want us growing up confused, but the rest of the world didn’t see us as Black so much. Or if I’d describe myself as Black, people would say “and what else are you mixed with?” because it’s quite obvious that I am mixed. I had this fear throughout my teenage years that if I didn't say I was black people would think I was ashamed to be Black – that wasn’t the case.
I try not to say ‘I’m half-this, half-that’ – I feel like it’s trying to add a mathematical quantification to something that actually defies logic. Race is not logical or ingrained in science at all. If we’re being honest, what we’re being categorised in isn’t ethnicity, it’s about how we look. I could have had exactly the same ethnicity, but if I came out looking like my mum, my experience with life would be different. It's about how I present to the world. Now, I don’t really care about managing other people's perceptions.
How have you connected with your culture over time?
I think I took my culture for granted when I was a teenager. We ate Jamaican food regularly and when I moved back to Derby, I saw my Jamaican family every single day. There was the music, community, just the feeling of stepping into my family. When I left Derby for London and was working in office jobs, I was surrounded by white middle-class people for the first time ever. I realised I was going to have to seek out more of my culture.
Books and writing were a big thing, not just Jamaican books but also books by Black women, mainly African American women. White Teeth by Zadie Smith was really important to me as a teen. It had mixed-race Black representation with a Black African mother and white dad in North London – this was me! There’s a scene where they go to a hair shop and they’re buying the same products I was trying to buy, it was so spot on. Exploring characters in my own books has been so much fun.
Fully embracing my natural hair was big too, no longer straightening it every single day. I've always had a very difficult relationship with my hair purely because I resented how much time it took compared to my sisters who have much looser hair.
You’ve written mixed characters in your books – Helen in Oh My Gods is half-mortal, half-God. Were there parallels in that narrative to your own experience?
Helen, the main character in Oh My Gods, was never consciously meant to be mixed. I never made the connection between that and her being half-Greek God and struggling to fit in with her mortal family. Looking back, you don’t need a psychiatrist to tell you that I’m using metaphor in my work to expand on my experience. I just thought it'd be a cute story.
I also think the aspect of Greek gods ties in nicely with one group having a perceived higher social status than the other side. Even though the Gods are never racist – I thought that would be too far for a children’s book that’s fairly light – they don’t understand that Helen needs to be around mortals and needs affection. I’m sure many of us, especially teenagers, feel like their families fundamentally don’t understand them.
Did you ever speak to your family about being mixed?
We had a lot of conversations about being Black, I knew more than most about Black history. I was 8 when I first watched The Black Panthers movie even though it was a 15, my parents were adamant we watched this history. My parents, especially my mum, always wanted to talk about Britain's role in the slave trade and medical inequalities.
I didn’t really speak about being mixed. One uncle on my mum’s side was very keen to remind me I was Black and to not forget that. I think the fact that he thought that I’d feel that way because of my complexion says more about him than anything else. A couple of aunties would say that because I was mixed I wouldn’t face some of the same problems that they face in terms of racism. I can appreciate why they said that, but I don't think it's a healthy thing to say to a child. Light skinned mixed-race people definitely experience less racism, but it’s not a Get Out of Jail Free card and I think my mum knew that – she did not want to take that risk.
Do you notice any stereotypes around mixedness?
I think the conversation erases people who are not mixed with white. It focuses on people who are visibly mixed or ambiguous with a certain skin tone, eye colour or hair texture. You can be very dark-skinned and mixed-race but people aren’t going to assume you're mixed-race so you get overlooked completely. I think complexion and ethnicity are often conflated. So much of the conversation begins when you see what someone looks like rather than who they are ethnically.
For a long time, mixed-race has meant Black and white, usually a white mum and a Black dad. People always assumed that of me. I never felt the need to expand because other types of mixes weren’t on my radar. Now I’m more aware, I say Black-mixed-race; if I say I’m Black I’m going to be asked what else I’m mixed with, if I say mixed-race it’s not accurate because mixed-race is a huge spectrum. Someone who is mixed East Asian and white is going to have a very different experience from someone who is half-African and half-Pakistani.
What’s one of the best things about being mixed for you?
I'm very careful about this question because I can't think of anything that’s uniquely mixed-race that’s a positive. I have a lot of diversity in my family, but you can have that and not be mixed-race. It seems flippant to say the best thing is that I suffer from less racism – it’s a truth but it’s an ugly one.
It maybe made me think a certain way and take different sides into consideration, but I’m that sort of person anyway. I’m an eldest daughter and very balanced. I don't know if there is a net positive to being mixed-race. I'm very proud of who I am, but I can't imagine being anything else.
Can you sum up your mixed experience in a word?
Boring. It’s so pedestrian to me, it’s one of the least interesting things about myself. I understand the need for the category mixed-race because it does affect how I move through the world, but it's also just one facet of me.
Alexandra’s new book, Friendship Never Ends, is out on Thursday. Pre-order your copy here, and subscribe to Alexandra’s Substack, Life Beyond The Page, here. Next week, I’ll be speaking to chef Joseph Denison Carey. Subscribe to get Mixed Messages in your inbox on Monday.
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Mixed Messages is a weekly exploration of the mixed-race experience, from me, Isabella Silvers. My mom is Punjabi (by way of East Africa) and my dad is white British, but finding my place between these two cultures hasn’t always been easy. That’s why I started Mixed Messages, where each week I’ll speak to a prominent mixed voice to delve into what it really feels like to be mixed.
"I don’t think people quite grasp how much the acceptable terms for who I am have changed over the course of my lifetime, and how that can put you in a bit of a tailspin if you're not secure in your identity. You’re constantly like a Rorschach test for everyone else’s projections."
Felt this in my gut.