April Werle: “I forced myself to feel things, getting used to those parts of myself again”
The artist on messages from her ancestors, disappearing cultural habits and perceptions of community
Hi, welcome back to Mixed Messages! This week, I’m speaking to artist April Werle, who is of mixed-Filipino and white American heritage. I came across April’s work on Instagram and was immediately drawn to her work. April depicts hands in order to have conversations about race and identity, often posting questions about her mixed heritage. With titles like “I’m not saying my culture is better than yours!” and “This is how you measure rice.”, I’m sure you’re going to love it too. Read her story below.
How do you define your identity?
Currently I identify as Filipino-American. I did my ancestry a couple of years ago and after seeing those results, I don't think of myself as biracial. I refer to myself as mixed, because even though my mom is 98% Cebuano, she has some Chinese ancestry. There’s all this history and I don’t think the term biracial fits me anymore.
I recently learned to put Filipino and American together. I realised there’s a lot of feelings from people from the Philippines about Filipino-Americans calling themselves Filipinos without clarifying. I'm just doing my due diligence to explain that I have a different experience.
What do you think is the reason for wanting that separation?
I think it has to do with how much people assimilate outside of the Philippines. One of the main sources of the economy for the Philippines is overseas workers, so we have this huge population living abroad and sending money home, having families abroad. Their experiences are so different.
What kind of area did you grow up in?
I grew up in Montana, there’s more cows than people here. It’s very white, but. I was raised in a small Filipino community here. Filipinos primarily immigrated to Montana through marriage to men from the military, building their families and helping other family members come over. We're the largest AAPI demographic in Montana, but have very little representation. The Thai community is a quarter of the size, but they have restaurants everywhere and there’s an awareness of the community.
Growing up surrounded by all these strong Filipino women, mostly single mothers raising mixed children, working multiple jobs primarily in healthcare or taking care of other people’s families, the lack of awareness for our presence really bothered me. Being invisible to people outside of our community means we're invisible to each other. I want people to feel less alone.
How have you connected to your Filipino culture?
Folklore is my favourite way I have connected with my Filipino heritage. My mom and my oldest aunt would always tell us stories of the supernatural in relation to our family. Creatures and ghost stories are how I got to know my aunts, uncles and cousins in the Philippines. My mom would always have this dream about a snake, she said when it finally bit her she knew it was time to divorce my dad.
Years later, I started researching Filipino folklore and pre-colonial history and did a podcast on the topic – the host told me that snakes in dreams are very significant, messages from our ancestors. Since I put my ancestor altar in my studio, I feel like my work has developed so much.
You’ve put a lot of work into exploring your identity on your own terms – do you feel like you’ve stopped living your identity through your mom?
We’re always circling back and forth. In my first solo show, Mga Hunghong Sa Diwata, I was trying to get back in touch with my family and my grandma. In that process, I was dressing more Filipino. It was an opportunity to feel those things again, because I suppressed quite a bit. I started making a point to eat with my hands in front of my partner, things I’d pushed deep down. I was just letting them come up and forcing myself to feel them, to get used to those parts of myself again.
When I finished that show, I was ready to tackle myself and my mother, that smaller dynamic. Every painting is based on a quote, so there’s “I started looking in the mirror and only seeing a white person.” Another is called “I belong to my family.” I was observing and reimagining these quotes to see what would happen.
Identity is often how we perceive ourselves in relation to others, so my show Secret Life of a Multicultural Couple was examining how I have dealt with culture with my partner. This show is all about my present and potential future, because we were talking about building a family and what we needed to tackle in order to have an environment that I feel comfortable raising a kid in.
After making those works, I realised that many of those conversations can be interpreted as an internal monologue with myself. Now I’m delving deeper into my own identity. I’m working on a show called My Other Half, exploring these moments of cultural habits disappearing and how that was negotiated and these moments of insecurity on belonging within a cultural context.
Having grown up around the Filipino community, have you still felt that sense of not belonging?
It's always evolving. As a kid, everyone looked like me. I never worried about whether I belonged because it was just my reality. In trying to find community again as an adult, I realised that so much of that belonging was secured by my mother and being next to her.
Now I have built relationships with the Filipino community on my own, and I've learned to say that I'm Filipino, not ‘my mother's Filipino.’ It's hard to tell if it's my own perception, or if it is something that's shared.
I wanted to talk about your piece “...but you’re white too!” Was that something that was said to you?
That was a real fight. I've had that fight with every partner I've ever had. It’s something I battle with in my own head. A mixed-white and Korean friend was talking about identifying with her white side, and not for one single moment could I remember looking through the white part of myself. A week later, she messaged me and asked, “are you white if you don't experience white privilege?” I don't have an answer to that. The benefit that I've experienced with being mixed white is from Filipinos.
What’s the best thing about being mixed for you?
Being able to adapt and relate to people. I have a lot of empathy for people, even if I don't have those same experiences. It has given me the power of observation and empathy.
Can you sum up your mixed identity in one word?
Colourful, which is ironic because I paint in black and white, but their surroundings are colourful.
Next week, I’ll be speaking to journalist and author, Ciaran Thapar. Subscribe to get Mixed Messages in your inbox on Monday. Shop Mixed Messages on Etsy now!
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Mixed Messages is a weekly exploration of the mixed-race experience, from me, Isabella Silvers. My mom is Punjabi (by way of East Africa) and my dad is white British, but finding my place between these two cultures hasn’t always been easy. That’s why I started Mixed Messages, where each week I’ll speak to a prominent mixed voice to delve into what it really feels like to be mixed.
A really thoughtful essay and nice art work too.
I hear a lot of fear and confusion. Almost borderline internal prejudices and not truly owning the realities of race. White people don't experience racism from its true nature and it seems you subtlety think White is greater- when it is not. White privilege is a racist construct within itself and the best of White people denounce it or at the very least use it to help someone who is not White. Have you even considered the White people who fought hard in the Civil Rights and other movements to abolish slavery, discrimination and apartheid? You should spend time researching how the best of the White race fought for the rights of African Americans and their countless contributions to this world. The majority of White people in America could care less about other people including Filipino. People in SE Asia even today have this flawed view of White being superior and it seems you carry this as well - not because you are racist but because you are ignorant with a lack of multi cultural experiences. There are millions of Filipino women with Black men and men of a variety of races. At the end of the day we are
human and bleed red. If are serious about the issues you write about - you should spend time reading great books on race - and reading empirical and peer reviewed journals on the realities of race. This entire concept of my Colonizer is superior because of White skin needs to die because it is not true - and has never been true. She is great artist but is lacking a strong fundamental understanding of race because she lives in a White world and that's the world she has embraced - not Filipino. This is why she needs to study and research. Blessings.