Elyssa Rider: “Japanese culture won't accept me as I am”

The illustrator on her hāfu identity and proximity to whiteness

Mar 22, 2021

Hi, welcome back to Mixed Messages! This week I’m speaking to illustrator Elyssa Rider, who is of Japanese and white British heritage. I feel like East and Southeast Asian voices are rarely heard in the mixed conversation, so I was excited to bring Elyssa’s story to the newsletter. Elyssa also contributed a relatable illustration inspired by her mixed identity, which you can see below. Hope you enjoy!

How do you define your ethnicity?

My dad is white British and my mum is ethnically Japanese. When I was young, I’d say ‘half-Japanese, half-English’. But saying I’m English right now feels like I’m saying I’m a member of the EDL.

Shockingly enough, I used to use the word ‘oriental’ because it was OK in Britain for far too long, and it was a way to distinguish me from South Asians. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realised that term isn’t even accurate – it covers Russia, South Asia and Turkey – and is deeply problematic

Has the way you’ve felt about your Japanese identity changed over time?

Yes. I grew up in New Malden, which has the biggest diaspora of South Koreans outside of Korea. I was around so many visible Asians, but I’d been taught through culture and media that being Asian was something bad and mockable. I spent a lot of years internalising racism, wanting to be blonde with blue eyes, so I unconsciously wanted to distance myself from Asian culture. I even told my mother, ‘if it wasn’t for you, I would have been white.’ That must have been so painful for her.

Now, I’ve started to reclaim my heritage, in clothing, food and also anime, which my grandma used to record on VHS and mail to me. Those are the things that I love and are my birthright! I feel sad that I spent so many years rejecting these beautiful things. Now is the time to embed myself into my other culture.

Do you feel like Japanese culture accepts you?

I was told that Japanese people see three things as being key to being Japanese: impeccable language, impeccable Japanese culture and looking completely Japanese. If any one of those three is missing, you don’t count. So I can never be accepted into Japanese culture the way it is today.

I had struggled with not being bilingual. I might have been fluent if a doctor hadn’t told my mum to stop speaking Japanese to me because I’d be underdeveloped, but hearing that I would never be accepted allowed me a level of freedom.

Following model and author Naomi Shimada also changed my life. She’s curvier than Japanese people are allowed to be, and helped me deal with the fat-shaming I faced. It felt like a barrier to me being accepted, so again it was nice to hear that I was out already for all these other reasons.

You lived in Cambridge in your teens – how did that compare to London?

I was very connected to other Japanese people through my family when we originally lived in London, but when we moved to Cambridge, the racism I experienced was awful from day one. I was one of about five mixed-race children in the school, and I distanced myself from them to avoid more racism.

I moved back to London to connect with the diaspora again, and specifically hāfu people (someone with one Japanese and one non-Japanese parent). Coming back to London felt like coming home and being able to breathe.

elyssa_rider

A post shared by @elyssa_rider

How do you think your British father has influenced you?

I’m currently unpacking if I code switch to mimic whiteness. People say I speak with authority, and that could be because I did drama, because my parents gave me and my sister a lot of space to voice our opinions when we were younger, or because I watched my dad move through the world as a middle-class white man.

I could be mimicking that power, even though I’m so aware of my gender, race and sexuality as a bisexual woman. I march into many spaces and speak as if what I say matters, so maybe that’s a luxury that’s been afforded to me because I have a white dad. It’s an icky feeling.

Did your parents speak to you about being mixed growing up?

Our parents celebrated our cultures, but there wasn't recognition or understanding of the fact that I was a multiracial person. Maybe they didn’t think it would be an issue, so it wasn’t discussed. They didn’t communicate that we might be treated differently as girls or not being white. Maybe it’s because they didn’t want to limit us. Our parents can’t understand our mixedness, the only people who can understand that are people like us.

If you could sum up your mixed experience in one word, what would that be?

Iterative. I’m constantly learning, unpicking, unpacking and changing my mind about my identity. I imagine that will keep going until I’m elderly!

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