Michelle Elman: “I existed in a space that I didn’t understand”
The author on why she’s less interested in geography and more interested in culture
Hi, welcome back to Mixed Messages! This week I’m speaking to author, influencer and speaker, Michelle Elman, who is of Chinese and white British heritage. You might know Michelle by her handle, @scarrednotscared, where she uses her platform to advocate for body positivity and acceptance, as well as Asian representation. I’ve always loved Michelle’s voice, so was excited to delve deeper into her identity.
How do you define your ethnicity?
I’m half-British and half-Chinese. That seems to be the simplest way to describe it. I sometimes say Singaporean-Chinese, because my mom grew up in Singapore. She moved to Hong Kong at 17, where I grew up.
People sometimes ask why I say British and not English, but that’s just what you say in Hong Kong.
Did moving to the UK affect how you saw yourself?
In Hong Kong, Chinese girls in my boarding school would tell me that I wasn’t Chinese, but when I came here I was told that I wasn’t British either. I existed in a space that I didn’t know how to understand yet. I wish there had been spaces when I was younger to have conversations about my identity in ways that didn’t label me, just allowed me to talk and explore.
The parts of me weave together naturally, and I’d never segmented them before until I became a public figure. Only then did I define myself as mixed. But in the last year, I’ve realised that I’m healthier when I don’t label myself.
Why do you think those comments hit so hard?
Maybe it’s an age thing - I’m definitely more comfortable in my skin now than I was then. But I also think it’s the confidence with which people say those things to you. You start to believe them.
How do you think the world sees you?
I’m treated as Asian. I always try to acknowledge my privilege as someone who’s half-white, but people don’t see that when they look at me. I walk through the world as a Chinese woman. I got non-stop abuse in 2019 with people telling me that I was the cause of coronavirus, which was painful.
People have lots of ideas about me when I say that I’m mixed, telling me that I don’t look Chinese and that I don’t look British. But I didn’t ask them! It’s not a competition between my two sides. I accept and am proud of all of me, including my Jewish heritage, too. It’s almost the unseen part of me that I rarely mention, but it’s affected me deeply.
How has the lack of Asian media representation affected you?
More than I can say, actually. Even when playing stupid games, like ‘which celebrity do you look like’, there was never anybody for me. Even now, the people I get compared to are social media creators Rae Dizzle and Elle Mills, who are both mixed, but not from general media.
The representation I have seen has also played on this stereotype that Chinese people are skinny. I wasn’t the norm, and because of this, I couldn’t even see it as plausible that I could be beautiful.
You challenged this with a photoshoot in 2019 - can you tell me more about that?
I was sick of seeing campaigns that claimed to be inclusive but didn’t feature a single Asian person. I had to say something, but companies and other influencers were just silent, or blacklisted me.
I worked with photographer Linda Blacker to create this beautiful shoot with plus-size Asian women, which went viral. I just wanted to see change and progress, and I did, even if I had to serve it up on a platter for people to take notice.
Do you have a group of mixed friends who understand your experiences?
In boarding school, I met this group of girls who were all coincidentally mixed, with a Chinese mother and white dad. Because of that, we all had typically British surnames, which people said would benefit us in the workplace. Even today, I do wonder if my book would sell worse if I used my Chinese name.
We didn’t sit around talking about being half-white, because it was just our culture. But I do like speaking to people who understand without me having to even finish my sentence, like finding it weird when British people call their friends’ parents by their first names, rather than auntie and uncle! You just need one friend who really gets it.
If you could define your mixed experience in one word, what would that be?
Confusing.
Buy Michelle’s new book, The Joy of Being Selfish, by Welbeck, here. Next week, I’ll be talking to Susan Dale, founder of platform HaluHalo, which explores what it means to be mixed-race (and inspired this newsletter!) Subscribe to get Mixed Messages in your inbox next Monday!
Enjoy Mixed Messages? Consider supporting me on Ko-Fi so I can continue to grow this newsletter!
Mixed Messages is a weekly exploration of the mixed-race experience, from me, Isabella Silvers. My mom is Punjabi Indian (by way of East Africa) and my dad is White British, but finding my place between these two cultures hasn’t always been easy. That’s why I started Mixed Messages, where each week I’ll speak to a prominent mixed voice to delve into what it really feels like to be mixed.