Vanessa Maria: “I don’t feel like I connect to different cultures, I just have my culture”
The DJ on an internal sense of home, detaching from conversations and remixed Britishness
Hi, welcome back to Mixed Messages! This week I’m speaking to DJ Vanessa Maria, who is of mixed-Jamaican and German heritage. Vanessa spins for the likes of Rinse FM, BBC 1Xtra and Boiler Room, and champions mental health awareness. I was excited to speak to Vanessa about her mixed experience and the assumptions people might have of her in music, but I didn’t expect such a candid conversation about difficult family relationships. Read the powerful conversation below.
How do you define your racial identity?
I often say I’m dual heritage, because people can feel offended by the term mixed-race. I’ll say I’m German and Jamaican as opposed to saying that I’m mixed-race, because when people ask “what’s your heritage?” they want to know those two.
Has your sense of self changed throughout your life?
I think it’s changed. I grew up in Stepney Green in East London, and I didn’t leave until I went to university. That’s when I realised that I was Black. In secondary school, most of my friends were Muslim, Bangladeshi and Asian, so it wasn’t a big thing. Later, I started to question my identity and explore what it meant for me to be me, what dual heritage looked like in terms of my home, self and family dynamic.
In terms of how I was raised, there’s been a lot of instability. I’ve experienced homelessness and not having a stable base, I think I was unsure of who I was. Not knowing what home was in a physical sense, I was forced to reflect on my multiple identities. Now, my idea of home is very much internal. I’ve realised that instead of asking why I couldn’t just have a home, it’s OK to find your own way and see the beauty and strength in what you’re dealt.
Do you ever feel like people have certain expectations of the kind of music you’ll play?
100%. I’m always in a tracksuit too, so people are really surprised when I say that I play global club music, funk, underground and electro. I don’t really play commercial music. They wouldn’t have that same reaction if I was white. A lot of those spaces are seen as white, even though techno and house are actually Black.
Have you felt connected to both your German and Jamaican heritages throughout your life?
I don’t feel like I connect to different cultures, I feel like I just have my culture which is a combination of different things. I’m connected in some ways through food and family, the things I would have watched and conversations I would have had. But if I compare myself to my Jamaican or German friends, I see that my culture is different.
Delving into my Jamaican heritage has been difficult with my parents being split up. I have to find things out for myself. For some reason, I feel most connected to Britishness – this is where I grew up, but I’m not so connected to the typical Black British experience. I do love a cup of tea and I love me some fish and chips. I guess it’s the closest I have to a physical home and a culture I can really relate to, just remixed a little bit.
Have you ever spoken to your family about your race?
I’ve had conversations with my mum, who has been so problematic and has said racist things. I’ve had to unpack that and work with her through those things. She always said that she didn’t see my race, it took a while for her to understand that the world didn’t see me the way she did.
There was a defensiveness or reluctance to talk about race because it was so connected to my dad. That experience was so bound up with trauma that she didn’t want to open herself up to that conversation at first. I’m glad we can now separate my dad, the Black man, from the idea of Blackness in general.
Do you think there’s a stereotype of what it means to be mixed, and how do you want the conversation to change in future?
I think people say light-skinned men and women are jarring and can be annoying. There’s a joke on Twitter as well, “that’s so light skin.” Even though I’m laughing, when you deep dive into it there could be a more important conversation to be had. Is a perceived proximity to whiteness undesirable? That’s not someone’s choice.
In future, we should talk about our experiences and intersecting identities, and how we can learn from each other’s multiplicities. That’s when we’re really going to start making progress, reflecting internally, being open to those conversations and bringing in people who are closed off to that. We can’t move forward unless we’re all in it together.
What’s one of the best things about being mixed?
I think it’s allowed me to be more open and understanding. I’m not quick to cut off conversations when people say problematic things, because I’ve had to understand the idea that someone has the perceived notion of being loving towards you when they’re saying deeply hurtful, racist things. It’s afforded me a lot of patience and compassion, which I’m grateful for because I can detach the conversation and respond in a way that is objective rather than emotional.
Can you sum up your mixed experience in a word?
Humbling. It’s fast forwarded me into having to find a sense of self from quite early on. I’ve had to grow up quite quickly and it’s helped me navigate some of the most difficult periods in my life.
Next week I’ll be talking to children’s writer Tarah Gear. Subscribe to get Mixed Messages in your inbox on Monday.
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Mixed Messages is a weekly exploration of the mixed-race experience, from me, Isabella Silvers. My mom is Punjabi (by way of East Africa) and my dad is white British, but finding my place between these two cultures hasn’t always been easy. That’s why I started Mixed Messages, where each week I’ll speak to a prominent mixed voice to delve into what it really feels like to be mixed.