Emma Norry: “I’m not denying anything, but I can’t fully own it”
The author on not knowing her heritage, writing her past traumas and mixedness as humanity
Hi, welcome back to Mixed Messages! This week I’m speaking to author Emma Norry, who is of mixed heritage. Emma’s new novel, Fablehouse, follows Heather as she joins other mixed-race kids in care at Fablehouse, a mysterious mansion with more to discover than first meets the eye. The story draws on Emma’s own experiences being mixed and in care, and how she developed her sense of self without ever knowing her father. Read Emma’s story below.
Can you share a bit about your family background?
My mum is white Jewish and I don’t know my dad. My mum always maintained that he was from the Caribbean and that she never told him she was pregnant. It’s a massive gap in being able to identify with a whole part of my culture.
I watched Jassa Ahluwalia’s amazing Both Not Half documentary – I love that as a moniker for describing himself. I definitely feel generational shifts in how I describe myself. ‘Half-caste’ was a thing when I was very young, then I moved to mixed-race, and in the last four or five years, brown has come into play. I wouldn’t describe myself as Black or half-Black because I don’t know. I feel ignorant, even though it’s not my fault. I’m not denying anything, but I can’t fully own anything.
For most people, the older they get, the more comfortable they feel in themselves – has that been true for you?
I think my sense of self has changed over time. Growing up in residential care, there’s a chameleon element to fitting in with your circumstances. I wasn't aware of my colour when I was younger. I was aware of my hair being an absolute nightmare that no one knew how to deal with, that caused me a lot of pain when people were raking combs through it and giving me terrible haircuts.
My sense of self is really strong and also really fragile at the same time. I had that thing of not fitting in, always being on the outside, not being one thing or the other. Then I developed who I was through the things that I enjoyed, like books, films and music.
I’ll never forget being in a feminist women’s group in my ‘20s, which included a strong, strident, brilliant Black woman, and she said to me “you’re from Grenada,” or another small island, and I said “no I don’t know.” She said “but everyone there looks like you.” I remember thinking, “really? There’s an actual place where people might look like me?” It was phenomenal to think that.
I moved to London when I was 18 and I took a deep breath out, I was instantly more comfortable, confident and able to embrace myself. If I didn't feel like I belonged, I at least felt I wasn't rejected.
Was it nice to be surrounded by Black culture?
I always felt like a bit of a spectator, I didn't really feel like I could own it. The whole question of identity and racial constructs has really affected me since George Floyd. I was really upset, and I didn’t know where that was coming from. Looking back retrospectively to jokes and nicknames I might have had at school, I kind of allowed myself to feel that that was actually really fucking hurtful. It’s like comedians going on stage and making jokes before the audience start heckling them – I was called microphone head at school because of my afro, and you have to join in with that if you don’t want to draw attention to yourself.
DNA tests have become very popular – what are your thoughts on them?
I got one. I initially thought there’s no point, but with both of my kids presenting as white but being interested [in their heritage], I did get one done. But it doesn’t necessarily help me! Mine is 49% Ashkenazi Jewish, 24% Nigerian and then all the rest is broken down into 2% Trinidad and Tobago and so on.
Back in the day we did hire a low budget private eye to try and find my dad. I’ve been without my dad for many years, so that’s not why I’d be trying to find him, if he existed. I’d like to know for my kids. It feels like I’m doing them a disservice to not have answers to their questions.
Do you feel connected to your Jewish heritage?
It’s complicated. My mum turned to drugs when her Jewish parents got divorced (unheard of in the community) and she became a born-again Christian. But my bubbe (Yiddish for grandmother) would teach me bits of Hebrew and I used to wear a Star of David which I was terrified to take off.
I've never necessarily felt accepted or able to put myself into any of those spaces. I'll say I'm Welsh and brown and Jewish, even though I may not have much of a connection to any of those three things to an outsider. I’ve lost my Cardiff accent and I’ve been told I don’t look very mixed-race but I’ve got a really Jewish nose.
Fablehouse is a wonderful book with so many relatable moments for mixed people. People try and ‘tame’ Heather’s hair, while she also reflects that she’s “a lot of thems.” What was the inspiration behind the book?
Jasmine Richards founded the company Storymix to offer Black and brown to be the heroes of their own story. She sent me an idea about a story set in a children’s care home, and I could hear Heather straightaway. I saw her running away from an afro comb, like I used to do. I’d say all four kids in the book are different parts of me. It wasn’t until after writing that I realised I was reliving trauma through some scenes.
What’s the best thing about being mixed for you?
I don’t have a firm answer. I wish I could proudly say my dad’s Ghaniaian or Grenadian because then I could go off down a rabbit hole about food and family, but it’s just me and my mum in my family. I’ve never really minded, I’ve never wanted to be white or darker.
I just think it’s great, being mixed sums up humanity. None of us are any one thing. It’s a whole rainbow of existence, we’re all a mix, and who wouldn’t want to be? When you mix colours, you get different, new colours. It’s a celebration and I wish it was seen more as that because it does feel joyous to me.
Can you sum up your mixed experience in one word?
Expansiveness.
Fablehouse is out on Thursday. Next week, I’ll be speaking to film director Sarah Kambe Holland. Subscribe to get Mixed Messages in your inbox on Monday.
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Mixed Messages is a weekly exploration of the mixed-race experience, from me, Isabella Silvers. My mom is Punjabi (by way of East Africa) and my dad is white British, but finding my place between these two cultures hasn’t always been easy. That’s why I started Mixed Messages, where each week I’ll speak to a prominent mixed voice to delve into what it really feels like to be mixed.