“I've never been to Jamaica. It feels huge, like it would be a homecoming trip. It would also feel like research. I couldn’t just lay on a beach without trying to find some record or something that could piece it all together. I’m also conscious that I would go to Jamaica and not be racialised as Black either. Having had that experience, to have that replicated in Jamaica would feel way worse, more personal.
I think my experiences of gender violence in intimate relationships have been extremely racialised and I’ve been exploited because of it. If I had more understanding of myself and felt more secure in who I was, then that couldn’t have been manipulated. “
Oof! I felt this in my heart. I don’t know anything about the Black side of my ancestry - and none of my Black family seem to know either. When people ask where I’m from, I can only concretely state my (white) mom’s heritage - Irish/German. On my Black dad’s side, I can say no more than “African American”, and it hurts. There is no way for me to find out where my Dad’s lineage started.
And because of that, I have also struggled with knowing myself, which similarly to Evie, resulted in being in some abusive relationships and being used.
I continue on my learning & unlearning journey, and attempts to regain my self.
This was a welcomed piece, thank you. Being mixed race is such a unique experience for those in the category; I feel seen and heard with this one! 🤎✊🏾
Someone on this newsletter once said "if you have no roots, how can you grow?" and I do think knowledge is important in being able to understand yourself! But there's also something in defining yourself on your own terms and accepting the limitations of what you know about your history – you can still build yourself up and be strong in your identity! Well done for being on this journey and thank you so much for reading and commenting – there may be a book coming out next year that will be a great one for you so keep your eyes peeled!
So much complexity to unpack and so many interesting insights here, which I definitely want to hear more about/look into more!
“I've never been to Jamaica. It feels huge, like it would be a homecoming trip. It would also feel like research. I couldn’t just lay on a beach without trying to find some record or something that could piece it all together. I’m also conscious that I would go to Jamaica and not be racialised as Black either. Having had that experience, to have that replicated in Jamaica would feel way worse, more personal.
I think my experiences of gender violence in intimate relationships have been extremely racialised and I’ve been exploited because of it. If I had more understanding of myself and felt more secure in who I was, then that couldn’t have been manipulated. “
Oof! I felt this in my heart. I don’t know anything about the Black side of my ancestry - and none of my Black family seem to know either. When people ask where I’m from, I can only concretely state my (white) mom’s heritage - Irish/German. On my Black dad’s side, I can say no more than “African American”, and it hurts. There is no way for me to find out where my Dad’s lineage started.
And because of that, I have also struggled with knowing myself, which similarly to Evie, resulted in being in some abusive relationships and being used.
I continue on my learning & unlearning journey, and attempts to regain my self.
This was a welcomed piece, thank you. Being mixed race is such a unique experience for those in the category; I feel seen and heard with this one! 🤎✊🏾
Someone on this newsletter once said "if you have no roots, how can you grow?" and I do think knowledge is important in being able to understand yourself! But there's also something in defining yourself on your own terms and accepting the limitations of what you know about your history – you can still build yourself up and be strong in your identity! Well done for being on this journey and thank you so much for reading and commenting – there may be a book coming out next year that will be a great one for you so keep your eyes peeled!